The Worry Momster

Doesn’t she look so happy? Not a worry in the world, right?! She is so brave, and I truly admire that about her. Although the world is so big and new to her she wants nothing more than to explore and experiment. I will admit it drives me crazy some days because she doesn’t realize when she’s about to hurt herself, but mommy does and it’s hard for me to let her learn cause and effect on her own. Small things like not paying attention to where she’s walking or jumping off her toys or the couch. It doesn’t bother her when she falls or runs into something and if it does it’s for a minute then she’s right back to it. 

Before becoming a parent, I seldom worried about making it home, making it through the day, or just being alive to see what all was coming. I had dreams and aspirations, but I didn’t worry. I planned and tried to be as effective as I could at getting the things I wanted done. Although I’ve experienced death I never thought about my death and how it would affect others.  I guess you can say I was living with a YOLO type thought process but not to the extreme. It was just I was not married, no kids and had nothing solid holding me back or tying me down.

Then I became a full-time single parent and ever since there’s been this feeling that I cannot shake. This feeling of constant worry. I worry about what someone else will try to do to her when I’m not there. I worry about being on this earth long enough to watch her grow up into an adult and have her own family. I worry about things I do and how they could affect her such as how I drive, how I behave, how I maneuver through life. This worry can sometimes be disabling. I look at her and I see such a bright future for my smart girl. So, I constantly monitor everything I do, and make sure I monitor whose presences I allow around my daughter, and I pray a lot.

Now I won’t lie I went through a time period where I lost my faith after my aunt passed away. It was hard for me to understand how such a good person could just leave this earth so horribly (or that’s how I saw it). I remember talking to her about her retirement coming up and how there was so many things that she wanted to do with her life now that she was going to have the free time. Now don’t get me wrong she was constantly working in every way she could to make the world a better place already, but she wanted to finally get to do some things for herself. And I was super excited because in my eyes she deserved the world. She deserved some time to kick her feet up and relax after working hard so many years then boom, she was diagnosed with cancer. It was less than six months from the diagnosis to her passing. After watching her take her last breaths it really took something out of me. Watching her struggle to breath. Watching her being taken away from her family that loved her dearly. Watching her mother see the light leaving her daughters eyes.

It tore me to shreds inside and I become a different person. I was angry and I was hurt. I retreated from church life. I just could not watch the fakeness anymore. Watching people smile in each other’s faces and talk about each other before they could even leave the church ground. I just couldn’t do it. But then I was blessed with something I didn’t even know I needed. I feel like God gave her to me at a time when he knew I was going to be alone and hurting. He gave me a reason to keep going. And now I pray. I pray constantly for my daughter and myself and the people in my life. I pray an abundance of blessings and happiness over us all. I pray for continued good health and safety because today’s world has become so scary. People are sooooo angry and they don’t know how to manage it. We see it every day.

So how do I manage because I’m far from perfect myself? I can only stay inside so much, right? I can only be so nice to others, right? I can only do what I can do I’m literally only one person, right? I’ve just had to accept that I can’t control the actions of others, but I can do what I feel is best for me and mine. I pray over us daily and hope that whoever’s listening hears my prayers. I listen to uplifting music when I need a boost. I actively do my best to be worthy of all the things I’m constantly praying for. But what about you? Did you ever go through this bout of constant worry and if so, what did you do to keep yourself sane? 

Comment below and let me know what works for you 😊

 

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